My parents, my teachers, my friends, my siblings, my fantasy boyfriends, my less than fantasy bosses, my coworkers, my roommates, my therapist, the guy behind me at the grocery store checkout, my priest, my former priest, the government, the workout magazines, my husband, my children, the pets of my children, the parent teacher council, that crappy lady that I just pulled out in front of and now is riding my ass, the dentist, my deceased grandparents…

I walk around trying to please the world around me, often times ignoring the sacrifices of myself that I make, the little bits of me that I hand out to all those around without regard for what it is that I lose when I do that, and hoping to only gain through their eyes.

When I think about just sitting down to do something for me, to stop considering how I can affect and impact everyone around me, I draw a blank.  When I see someone who can easily tune out the world in order to give completely to themselves, rather than become inspired, I get bitter.  I know that I am the only one that can care for myself, and yet I continue to ignore my own needs because I fear that I would be considered selfish otherwise.  And in the wake of the constant bleeding of my spirit, lies the remains of the people impacted by my bitterness, my exhaustion and my inconsiderate behavior.

This blog is for me.  Not to read, because after publishing each entry, I’m finding it oddly difficult to return to re-read, but to just write and write whatever it is that I have to say, with simply no regard for whomever may read it.  I want the freedom to just put down what comes into my head without editing it to sound smart, well informed or even pithy.  Hey, if I’m a total moron, let it all hang out!!  Whatever bodies are buried, whatever secrets are locked away in closets… now is the time to come forth and expose yourselves to the fresh air and light of day that makes everything seem less sinister, less troubled, perhaps even boring.  I’m here to write it all down for me, and if I so choose, perhaps read as well.

If you have stumbled upon this blog, by some unknown mystical force in the universe – or simply a glitch of Google and WordPress – congratulations.  You are reading this not because I care or because I want you to, and therefore you might actually read something real.

Advertisements