Lost soles, lost time, lost words, lost faces.  Things feel lost, gone, out of reach.  As a budding HinduBuddiPagChriJew, I’m keenly aware that all things move in cycles and attachment to anything but a healthy dose of change leads to suffering.  But can’t seem to reconcile that which I KNOW and that which I FEEL.

I want to say that I’ve lost my way.  That would imply that I had a WAY to begin with… which I don’t believe I ever did.  Recently I’ve been trying on new and old identities like shoes, hoping that one will feel perfect against my psyche and I can wear it into infinitum, lulled by the false sense of knowing who I am.  But there, back against the darker wall inside my head, is this quiet, slightly sarcastic, righteous and yet hopeful voice, coming from a half smiling mouth and a questioning stare, out of large dark eyes and bangs that are too long, and it says, “Nope.”

While listening to stand-up comedy the other day, something I gave up years ago because it just pushed all of my “Really? This guy made it?” buttons in all the wrong ways, I somehow sipped the tea of inspiration and before I knew it, I had opened a spigot in my head that I had a hard time turning off.  Bits were writing themselves as I walked around the grocery store, drove around town, accidentally woke up at 4am.  “This is it!” I thought, “THIS is what I’m supposed to be doing with myself!  I’m going back to stand-up!”

But, then I thought back to the minutes before I went onstage, the forced conversations with other comedians so wound up with neurosis that neither of us was truly listening to what the other was saying.  I remembered the whispers of festivals and scout sightings that made my stomach writhe, badgering my friends and family to pay cover charges so that I could make my way onstage, and more often, standing on that stage so that I could undo all the good I’ve done by pretending that being judgmental and ripping apart others – strangers, friends, families – was ok just so that I could advance in this warped and revered world.

“Nope.”  This is not me.  At least, this is not the me I want to be.

I’ll have to find another way to be funny, to be accepted, but to be honest and mindful and kind.

I’ll have to keep looking.

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